Lets Be Honest...

Hello my friends, my family, the random people in cyberspace who perchance read my personal thoughts...you strangers probably didn't realize when you stumbled into my head that you were going to receive a rare treat today. I promised myself that the next time I sat down at this computer to compose a blog, things would be different. I have been concerned with keeping my words comedic, introspective, and intriguing to entertain the people at home to somehow live up to some kind of intellectual standard that I set for myself so as not to disappoint you all. But...lets be honest...the majority of you readers know me better then I know myself. You know my heart, you know my style, and you know I am just not quite posh (nicely placed, ay?) enough to pull this off forever! The truth is this: there are two very real fears hindering my open communication with you. The first is the obvious governmental restrictions. The second one is unfortunately not so easy to scape goat - my own limitation in vulnerability is as frustrating to me here as in every other instance.
I haven't come to these realizations on my own, actually, we have been talking about vulnerability a lot here lately. Its amazing to me how the demons that we each dealt with in America traveled across the ocean and transformed themselves to fit perfectly into our Chinese life. I have to face the same struggles here: being my true self (the good, the bad, the ugly, neurotics and all) with the foreigners who have become my family, revealing to the questioning Chinese that I don't have all the answers, speaking the truth despite fear of rejection, or opening my heart to an honest dialouge with the God who knows it so well it terrifies me. Luckily, my Abba never lets me forget that He is not going to give up until I am willing to be an open book, intellectualism replaced with authenticity.
I am constantly asked, "How are you".
Standard answer: "I'm great! I love China, I love the people, I may never want to leave!"
Let's be honest: "I am great...most days. I have never been so free to laugh, to love, and to relax. Life in China is peaceful for me because my days are spent in a job that is barely demanding, and socialization with people who made me love them from day one. There are other times though, that things are not so great. So much time for introspection leaves me emotionally exhausted. I have been forced to examine pieces of my heart that were covered in America by exams, papers, and an appointment book. Sometimes I don't want to leave my apartment because in here I can forget that if I walk out that door I will be in a different world. A world where I am constantly stared at, giggled about, and the recipient of 8 double takes at once. Where I am the only amazon-sized white woman in a sea of beautiful China doll women. Where I cannot speak to anyone and am left with an intense feeling of loneliness. I miss my family and hate that I am missing so much of their lives here. I miss my friends who already know me, who can see through my facades and force me to come out of any slump that I happen to fall into. And heaven forbid I even voice this...but there are even days when I miss my 6:00 am alarm that catapultes me into a day of nonstop movement until I collapse from exhaustion!
Its ironic, as I read back over that last paragraph even I am surprised at some of the things that I have been feeling. Its so easy for me to separate them from myself, to start to believe they are the emotions of other, "weaker" people. But who are we kidding...I am the weaker person...in need of phone calls, emails, and letters from my loved ones in America. In need of strength from the powerful One above to get overcome the demons that plague my insecurities and to transform my spirit. I have been so blessed though...how many people can couple the intense love of their Father with the incredible cover of prayers from so many who are loving and supportive?
I want to be clear though. There are struggles, but they have not even begun to overcome the genuine happiness I enjoy here. He is working, He is working so clearly! Our family blows my mind, their hearts are so open: to us and to their Father. We are currently beginning a campaign to conform our family, to take the knowledge of the Son and his work from our heads to our hands. This community is about to witness the LRD and we have full confidence that He is going to transform this city. There is power here: it is evident, it is undeniable and it is infectious. I wish I could bring every single one of you here and share this place with you. I want you to walk the streets, to smell the smells (the good, the bad, the ugly...), to exchange smiles that speak more than words ever could. I want to introduce you to my family to my family, my friends to my friends. The day-to-day here is impossible to express through these blogs, pictures could not capture them, words could not convey them. I can only hope that you can read between every line and that I can remember the subtle nuances of every story so when I tell you face-to-face, you will understand.
Its Thanksgiving this week and we are celebrating the American way! We went down to the black Chinese meat market and picked the two biggest, ugliest, chickens we could find. ON Thursday we will chop their heads off and slow roast them over an open fire in an alley on the same spicket as some dog meat...PSYCH! Its too easy... Our Thanksgiving will be truly American, complete with a football game, turkey dinner, napping and dirty, competitive game playing. Then Angelyn, Darla, and I will head to Wuhan for a weekend of Thanksgiving #2 and quality time with the foreign family there. (My REAL reason for going is to pet monkey's and get what is rumored to be the best cup of coffee in the far east...but seeing old friends makes me sound more sincere) I am really looking forward to Thursday, but I will be thinking of you all at home, remembering poker games (which I always lose...), playing with my babies, and the witty conversation of my familia! I am thankful for you all, for God's overwhelming blessings, and the incredible journey that my life has become!
GWG ~ Jessica

Check out my newest photos:
Man, I feel like a WOMAN!
Climbing to Mordor...

You're a poet, and you didn't know it. But your feet they show it, they're Longfellows...

So I will admit, at times its difficult to remember that each of my students are educated, intelligent and deeply introspective. When they have troubles expressing themselves in English, my subconscious has the tendency to translate their lingual shortcomings into intellectual ones. Luckily, the Big Guy likes to hit me upside the head and remind me of my own stupidity! So I want to share with you some of the poetry that my students wrote for their final exam. Hopefully it will give you the same glimpse into the Chinese culture and heart that it gave me.
The assignment was to construct an I AM poem, then speak to me about it. I was thrilled with the results, I will definitely be repeating the process for future courses...


I AM - by Mathon (my Hispanic Chinese student)

I am an ambitious boy who likes goat
I wonder why the world is so well-rounded
I hear the wishes of all people
I see all the goats flying up to the sky
I want to travel around China
I am an ambitious boy who likes goat
I pretend that I'm an Angel
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
I touch the sky, the stars, the moon and sons of God
I worry about the war of all kinds (including mental wars & real life wars)
I cry for the death and poverty in the world
I am an ambitious boy who likes goat
I understand the difficulties of being able to make all wishes come true
I say that we are all kind hearted
I dream of communism comes true soon
I try to make people around me fortunate
I hope that mankind will be at peace
I am an ambitious boy who likes goat


I Am - by Derek

I am diligent and idle
I wonder why does the sun rise so early every morning
I hear the buzzing bee
I see the Statue of Liberty smiling to me
I want to have wisdom vouchsafed from God
I am diligent and idle
I pretend to be an old tree of a thousand years
I feel the body of the ground
I touch the blue sky, the white clouds and the sunshine
I worry about dying of lacking of water
I cry for staying in the same place all years
I am diligent and idle
I understand the cruelty of animals' survival for living
I say we could relax
I dream of our life having many colors
I try to reach a happy place
I hope it will be reality one day
I am diligent and idle


I AM - by Julie

I am a lovely girl who likes the moon
I hope I can have a pair of wings
I hear seagulls fly across the ocean surface
I see the moon twinkle
I want to fly to the sky
I am a lovely girl who likes the moon
I pretend that I am an Angel
I feel the clouds under my feet
I touch the stars, they are singing
I cheer up for the exciting moment
I am a lovely girl who likes the moon
I am sad when I see the poor children in Africa
I want to offer them food, clothes and useful things
But I know that what they are eager for is warmth
So I want to take the moon there
Let the light shine and warm their hearts
I am a lovely girl who likes the moon


I AM - by Sam

I am a shy boy who likes explore and dream
I wonder what it looks like when people live on the moon
I hear the crazy sound of cheering for the living on the moon
I see people live on the moon and working on their farm
I want traveling to moon and have a week's holiday or more
I am a shy boy who likes explore and dream
I pretend that I can sit on the spaceship and travel across the space
I feel the feeling of lost weight
I touch the stars and any other planet
I cry for the people who died because of the space accident
I am a shy boy who likes explore and dream
I understand human will try the best to achieve the aim
I say I will cheer for our human success
I dream I can do what I should to insist to achieve the aim
I try my best to study
I hope I can travel across the space by the spaceship which was made by myself
I am a shy boy who likes explore and dream