Do Not Fear

But as for you, Israel my servant, Jacob my chosen one, descended from Abraham my friend. I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, 'You are my servant; for I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your G-d. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.' (Isaiah 41:8-10)

Thanks to a particularly convicting discussion with Barry and Angelyn on the passage above in our morning study, I have spent the last day meditating on the idea of fear. The WORD is filled (I've heard over 300 times, but don't quote me on that) with the plea of the L-rd, 'Do not fear', and as I ponder its obvious importance, I am struck with how I truly live as a slave to fear.

I am often told by my students I am very brave, whether its my ability to have a conversation with a boy, my insistence on following my own ideals, or the fact that I moved halfway around the world and left all familiar things behind. But I realize that the idea of fear they have is so far from the truth; how little they recognize the little girl inside of me who carries a heart burdened with it! The more I think about it, when He says not to fear, HE is not asking me to be confident and unafraid in the face of consequences, but addressing the spirit inside who crumbles at the idea of vulnerability. The spirit who fears abandonment, or crushed pride, or misunderstanding. The spirit that lives in fear of being unworthy, or never enough. How much more this fear permeates and overtakes my life than anything physical. "I will not throw you away" - how directly these words speak to, and refute, exactly what is feared.

People ask me if I am afraid, being here in China, doing what it is I do. In all honesty, fear of "trouble" is nothing compared to the fear of the students and friends I meet never knowing truth. I'm wondering more and more if his call to be brave is not directed more at the things not of this world, than the things in it. Fear not what can destroy the body, but the soul within it, right? Do not fear the evil one, fear a life without ME. Do not fear a broken heart, but fear a spirit broken by sin and timidity. To not be a slave to those fears, but to fear the L-rd. I'm reminded of another word picture in Isaiah, that the same G-d who holds the hollows of the waters in his left hand, cradles me in His right. How can you fear anything with that picture in front of you?

As I continue to meditate on fear, I realize how closely it is linked with learning to love. How can you really love in fear? Abandonment of that fear is the only way to embrace the spirit of boldness I have as his child, the one that is vulnerable enough to cry Abba, and then give itself up to those around me. I am a bow in your hands, O L-rd - Draw me, lest I rot - Do not overdraw me, L-rd, I shall break - Overdraw me, L-rd, and who cares if I break? (Nikos Kazantzankis)

Weekend Update, the short of it

Studies...We have a large and unexpectedly interested group of seekers - students who have just come out of the woodwork! We have begun studying the book of John with them, and our discussion group a few days ago led to some really wonderful discussions of the HS and "swimming" (hopefully that translates) Angelyn and I will also begin a study with some sisters on the book of Acts, which is sure to challenge. I'm excited to dive into this with them, as it speaks to powerfully as to exactly what WE ARE as HIS children, and what HE asks us to do to spread the Word. HE IS POWERFUL!

Foreigners...There is a new foreigner who joined the team of our college this year - Praise HIM for Barry! His testimony is phenomenal, and his life is so full of joy that all the Chinese are flocking to him like a magnet. He has already been a powerful witness in just the short time he has been here, a complete answer to our "requests". (And, my new guitar teacher) The other foreigners are delightful, from the sarcastic to the hilarious, I'm so blessed to be surrounded with old and new kindred spirits. I have such great memories of each of them already, from daredevil shopping cart antics to electric slide, flashdance inspired moments. Its incredible to see the others discovering China and their purpose here through the eyes of experience, I can see Him working on them as He did on me.

Funding...Brian returned to the states this summer, and an anonymous member of his congregation asked if he could send $150 monthly to another foreigner from Brian's family. Combined with Broadway's aid, I now have $3,400...almost exactly the amount I first requested and enough to provide for all my needs.. HE IS AMAZING!

Lucy...basically, she has not eaten a drop of food in 2 weeks and after numerous trips to the Vet, we learned she had a stomach virus with a 30% chance of survival. But Ang, I and Lucy are warrior women, so we are fighting and after 3 days of 3 shots her temperature is way down and she shows signs of improvement. Which is good, because she is so beloved among the foreigners and our chinese, there may have been a pretty extravagant grieving display. This xiao mao has been pr-y-d over and cuddled more than any other cat in China, and we are so glad she's ours.

Personally...working on law school applications despite my kitten's best efforts to distract me with her cute face. Am still struggling day to day to learn to love to the point of idiocy, though I feel I may be making great progress as have probably been making others uncomfortable with my over the top adoration! Have both failed and succeeded, depending on the day, in my efforts to spend more time talking HONESTLY with my Abba...he is so patient with my fickle heart and rambling words. Finally, I am missing my family and friends this week, I would love to hear from you. All my love.

Mid-Autumn Festival: The Legend

Happy Mid-Autumn Day! I have spent two of these holidays in China, and so far as I can tell, its a day celebrated by eating gobs of mooncakes and taking the day off class. Today, the family spent an amazing day at the lake, and as we were traveling home I realized that I didn't actually know WHAT we were celebrating....almost like Boxer Day. So I paid a visit to my friend Google...

According to a famous Chinese legend, there were ten suns hanging on the sky. The suns scorched the earth so much that people could not farm. There was nothing to eat. A young man named "Hou Yi" was strong and powerful. He was a very good shooter. He wanted to help people and save their lives. So he shot down nine of the suns with his magic bow and arrow.From then on, people could live in peace and happiness. Hou Yi became famous and honorable for what he did. He married a beautiful girl, whose name is Chang O. Hou Yi was a good husband. He loved his wife very much. He wanted to live with his wife forever. So, he hoped to find the herb of immortality.One day, Hou Yi went to visit the Western Goddess. He told her what he wanted. The Western Goddess was very touched by Hou Yi. She decided to give him the herb of immortality. However, the herb was only good to make one person immortal. Hou Yi never wanted to leave his wife. So he could not decide who should take the herb, his wife or himself. Either way, one of them would have to leave the other one behind.

Therefore, Hou Yi told his wife, Chang O, to put the herb away for the time being. Chang O put this magic herb in a secret place. However, a man called Bu Mo heard and saw everything. He wanted to have the herb of immortality himself. So, three days later, after Hou Yi left for hunting, Bu Mo came to visit Chang O and ask her about the immortal herb. Chang O became suspicious about Bu Mo's ntention. She put the herb into her mouth trying to protect it. But she swallowed it by mistake.After a while, she felt her body become lighter and lighter and start to float up higher and higher all the way to the sky. She could not stop herself, because she did not want to leave her husband. However, Chang O landed on the moon and became an immortal godness.Hou Yi could not believe what had happened; his wife had left him. Late at night, he looked into the sky and saw that the moon was extremely bright. There was a shadow on the moon, which looked like his beloved wife, Change O. this made him miss his wife even more.

According to the legend, Chang O transformed herself into brilliant moonlight. Today, couples would declare their love for each other under the full moon of this mid-autumn day. Separated lovers make wishes for their reunion.

Our kitty is definitely not a Communist

So Angelyn and I have had a plan since December of last year - the day we met the Sim Garden Hostel puppy in Chengdu - get a China puppy (against the expressed order of our school) and name him SimSim. We decided to go for it when we got back this year, so on Sunday morning two of Angelyn's students went with us to pick out a puppy at the dog market (the petting, not the eating kind). There were SO many adorable puppies, from giant face to baby cockers to beautiful huskies, but no one jumped out to us. None cried "SimSim". So we begrudgingly set out to go home, when my heart called to me to go look at the kittens.Now a kitten was never in our plans, but when the rescuing hearts of two women cry out, what can you do? Amidst a tower of kittens sleeping peacefully in their minuscule cages, we heard a pitiful, hoarse, screaming kitten. There on the ground in front of us was a little orange and white kitten attempting to bite, claw and scratch her way to freedom. We looked at each other and said instantly, "We are taking that baby home!". So practically ripping her away from the evil cat lady (who should be shot, btw...), we put kitty in the taxi and took her home. Our hearts will never be the same again!Now I don't want to be one of those new parents who does nothing but talk about their children...but I just can't contain myself. She is the best kitty ever! We tortured her with a bath, picked all the fleas off her, cleaned her ears with giant q-tips and then passed her between 30 people, and she still loves us best. Well, she still loves Angelyn best, but I'm working on her. She will scream and scream unless she can see us, and bounds around the apartment following our giant feet. She purrs at the same time she screams, and she's already a cuddler.We tossed around a few names: Amendment, Liberty, Harriet Tubman, Madame Bovary, Amelia Earhart, Karen Carpenter and Fran Drescher (for various reasons). For about 24 hours, kitty was nameless. But finally we settled on Lucille Ball (Arnaz). The reasons are multi-fold:
-Red hair
-Constant screaming and crying
-Living with foreigners
-Clingy and needy (we are her Ethel)
-She is definitely not a communist (explanation: during the Red Scare, Lucille Ball was called before the Committee of Un-American Activities...she was cleared, and Dezi was quoted as saying "the only thing red about Lucy is her hair")

On Love

Each day, I have a tendency to surprise myself with my incredible capacity to fail in love. The number of things I wish I never said, or things I never had the openness to say in the first place...they could fill volumes, perhaps entitled, "Ice Princess" as a rather wise woman once said. I long to love others as HE did, to give freely and without reservation or entitlement.
I recently climbed my own personal Everest in the form of my first Dostoevsky novel, The Idiot. A admittedly fantastic read after the first 300 pages, I was struck by the obvious correlation between the Prince's humble, given and abused love to everyone around him, regardless of their love of him to the point of idiocy - and the love by which HE loved.
I would love to learn to love to the point of idiocy...I ask for the constant strength to love better.

Meditations on Love:

"The desire to feel loved is the last illusion: let go and you will be free. Just as the sunrise of faith requires the sunset of our former unbelief, so the dawn of trust requires letting fo of our craving spiritual consolations and tangible reassurances. Trust at the mercy of the response it recieves is bogus trust"
(The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning)

"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
(The Great God Brown, Eugene O'Neil)

"The way we are with each other is the truest test of our faith. How I trust my brother or sister from day to day, how I react to the sin-scared wino on the street, how I respond to interruptions from people I dislike, how I deal with normal people in their normal confusion on a normal day maybe a better indication of my reverence for life than the anti-abortion sticker on the bumper of my car. We are not pro-life simply because we are warding off death. We are pro-life to the extent that we are men and women for others, all others; to the extent that there is no human flesh that is a stranger to us; to the extent that we can touch the hand of another in love; to the extent that for us, there are no 'others'."
(The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning)

"Reason demands moderation in love, as in all things, but faith destroys moderate love. Faith tolerates a moderate love of ones fellow man no more than it tolerates a moderate love between man and G-D."
(John McKenzie)

"Israel, don't ever be so foolish as to measure my love for you in terms of your love for me! Don't ever compare your thin, pallid, wavering, and moody love with my love, for I am G-D, not man. More pleasing to ME than all your prayers, works and penances is that you would believe I love you"

Welcome Home, in case you were wondering, the Honeymoon's definitely over...

Just a quick post, because I've promised the Allens to work on that, but mostly because I am jet-lagged and ready to sleep in my own big, unparalleled, envied, comfortable China bed.
Coming to China the second time is a little less glamorous, and a little less nerve-racking, but you can still be thrown for some incredible loops. My trip home included lost tickets in the Hong Kong airport, baggage "probably being on the same airplane you are", lugging around 60 lbs of suitcase (inexplicably, since I only left with 45...) with immense loss of face around the Chinese and their phenomenally tiny packing skills! I had forgotten most of my Chinese, we arrived home in Shiyan to a downpour promised to continue "twice as harder" in the next two days, and I walked into my apartment in clothes soaked to the skin with rain and sweat, in who knows what order. But all of this paled in comparison to the greatest tragedy: missing the DNC speech by the fabulous Michelle Obama, and the Roll Call Coverage selecting Future President of the United States Barack Obama!
But in less important news...I am home, safe and sound, and so happy to be here. Come to find out, I still love China! I can't wait to wake up tomorrow, clean my apartment (cause I am a sick person who finds her happiness in that) and hit the rain soaked streets to fresh my ZhongWen...but for now, my bed is calling, as is the Joe Biden speech on YouTube to diatribe me to sleep...Good night, Wode Meiguoren Pengyou...

My Meditation

You said "Ask and you will receive" whatever you need
You Said "Pr-y and I'll hear from heaven and I'll heal your land"
You said, Your glory will fill the earth like water to seas
You said "Lift up your eyes the harvest is here the kingdom is near"

You said ask and I'll give the nations to you
Oh L-rd, thats the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see your light as it rises on us

Giving Out Your Phone Number Online...now that's just desperate

I realize that many of you tried desperately to call me last year while I was in China, but your best attempts were thwarted and confused by the british chick on my answering machine, and the forwarded international number. (I choose to blame the difficulties of communication, and not the ambivelance of my loved ones) I have faced the difficulties of long distance communicae myself (ask the Heather to tell you a Spain story!), so I am attempting to do my part...and begging for your phone calls...hopefully a culture-shocked American will be thanking her clever self in the future.

SKYPE is an amazing invention.
If you have SKYPE, this means:
*We can talk for free...anytime...anyway.
*We can chat for free...when I am around my computer.

If you do NOT have SKYPE:
*Its free, you should download it
*Check out www.skype.com for more information on what it means.

Otherwise:
I have just shelled out a hefty sum of my summer fund to pay for another 12 months of an international phone number. My phone number is 1-360-566-2881.
If you call this number, you will either hear my sweet, childlike voice on the other end, or a snobby British girl forwarding you on to my cell phone in China. Either way, I will get your phone call! And if I miss you, I have voicemail!
1-360-566-2881, this is a Washington State phone numer, please, feel free to put it in your phone. For my fellow technologically challenged friends, having this is what this means:
*For others with 360 numbers, this is A LOCAL CALL and charged as such.
*For those with other stateside area codes, its your NORMAL LONG DISTANCE. After 7 on nights and weekends...FREE with most cell phone plans!

Please, if you have any questions...well...I'm not sure I could explain it any more clearly. Put check out SKYPE's website, or send me an email. I want to hear from all my loved ones while I am over there, and while I would love to contact you myself, it IS CHEAPER FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED FOR YOU TO CALL ME. So, you know, feel free. Now that's "putting yourself out there" ;o)

Beans A Brewin'

Contrary to what you may be thinking, I did not fall into the ocean on my way home from China. I landed safely on American soil, and really have not stopped running since. It’s amazing to me how quickly I fell into the pace of stateside life again, the days seemingly filled with nothing, yet blurring past you like you are driving 80 miles an hour down a country road (which I never do…)

I have been in the states for a month now (which I cannot believe), and these weeks have been such a blessing. I made it back to the South, where my kindred, spirited college friends and I blended into our old rhythm, trying to ignore that time was limited and I would be getting on a plane again. I’ve had time with my family, spent mornings walking on the beach, and read, read, read… after a horrifying downward spiral into the ridiculous addiction that is the “Twighlight” series; I have resurfaced to literally gulp down “The Ragamuffin G-sp-l”. After stealing it (yes, stealing a J-s-s book) from a friend’s bookshelf, I have found such peace in the words spoken (read) at the perfect time, when my mind is still reeling from the two worlds that I find myself living in.

“Each moment of our existence, we are either growing into more, or retreating into less” – The Ragamuffin G-sp-l

A few people asked me, “What was the biggest lesson you learned in China?” I have responded with what I felt was my biggest revelation – the revelation that I almost felt ridiculous coming to as I sat in my apartment, 4 weeks into my time in China. After having a talk with a student that flowed in and out of fruitfulness, it suddenly hit me, “What am I doing here that I shouldn’t be doing every single day of my life as a child in HIS kingdom?” It took traveling thousands of miles around the world, to remember that HE is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow – 4,000 years ago, and next week, HE will still be working for the redemption of HIS people, and will still be longing for me to be at his side, wherever I am.

But it’s harder for me here (in the states, that is) than it should be. To be even more frank, it seems likes it harder in the comfortable places than the uncomfortable ones. Why can’t I make my hands, feet and mouth do what my spirit longs to? Enter Object Lesson #1.

Five days after I returned to the states, I pulled up to a little Espresso stand by the side of the highway in town. My friend and I were in the car, talking about denominations, and various dissatisfactions with the way ch-rch-s seemed to display their priorities, a promising topic for a pick-me-up. At that time, reverse culture shock was rolling and I was seeping myself in negativity, even the undertones of my praise were wallowing. And as if the timing could not be more perfect (of course it couldn’t, that’s how HE works), the window slid open, a little old woman leaned out of it and suprised me. There was no discussion of talls or shorts, doubles or singles, 2% or non-fat. The first question that rolled off her tongue was of a different aroma, “Do you girls know J-s-s?”

Awesome G-d, YOU are awesome. It was just the reminder I needed, to see her in her simple act of service and love, naturally oozing with the love of Chr-st and the desire to make Your truth known. That is supposed to be me! How beloved am I that You give me gentle reminders, even in the kind face of a barista, that my heart is to overflow with the message. So constant failures, each day that I let opportunities pass, they will get fewer and farther between…I’ll be that lady in the Beans A Brewin' someday Abba, thank you for your patience with me while I try to get there.

You Would Have Been Enough

When I moved to China, I fully anticipated remaining in my English bubble. Glancing over those terrifying characters, I felt immediately that I would never be able to make sense of what appeared to be an intricate system of squiggles (Admittedly, over one billion people speak this language, so its not quite as unintelligible as I first thought). But it didn’t take me long to fall in love with the beautiful pictures their words painted. Unexpectedly, the idea of language and words began to capture my heart. Our morning Isaiah study revealed incredible nuances to me as well…how I have wished I took the odd Greek or Hebrew course at university…there is so much more to be found within each sentence than I ever thought possible! Words like 阿巴父 (Aba Fu), 道 (Dao), Abba, Nazar, Veritas…the power of language hit me in a way it never had before. And then, dear YiChang Beth (whose blogs are a constant source of inspiration and piracy to me) posted a note about a word. A fellow closet linguist! When I saw her post and studied the word, I felt there could be no better expression to sum up my first ten months in China.

The word is Dayenu. "Day" in Hebrew means "enough" and "Enu" means "our." The word Dayenu (:דַּיֵּנוּ) means, "it would have been enough for us" or "it would have sufficed." It is used in a traditional Passover song that talks about being grateful to God for all of the gifts he gave the Jewish people. It basically states, had God only given one of the gifts, it would have still been enough. The song appears in the haggadah after the telling of the story of the exodus and just before the explanation of Passover. Here is an excerpt: If He had split the sea for us, and had not taken us through it on dry land — Dayenu, it would have sufficed! If He had taken us through the sea on dry land, and had not drowned our oppressors in it— Dayenu, it would have sufficed! If He had drowned our oppressors in it, and had not supplied our needs in the desert for forty years — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

I feel like there are no more words…Dayenu Father, Dayenu. How He took care of me! I wish I had time to dive into a list of all the ways he wiped away my fears within my first few days in this country, how He worked His wonders right in front of my face while I was too busy looking elsewhere, or the countless blessings He heaped upon my heart in the strangest of ways. Dayenu Father, Dayenu. YOU would have been enough…yet you gave me a hundred other people to love, to call brother and sister. The life that other’s expected of me, or that I had planned for myself, would have been enough…but you had something so much greater planned. Seeing one person open their heart, abandon themselves and turn to you would have been enough…yet you had so many more to bring into your kingdom - you allowed me to witness it – play a part in it. Being the lowliest servant in your courts would have been enough…Dayenu…but you made me the daughter of the King.

If there had been no beautiful mountains, no classrooms full of endearing students, no exotic places to explore, no incredible dishes to eat around tables with friends…Dayenu. If there had been no songs lifted up to heaven in the blending of many tongues…Dayenu. If there had been no Angelyn and Brian, no Zoe and Dacy, no kindred spirits…Dayenu. You brought me to this place, this country, with no expectations but that you were going with me. The knowledge that you were here…Dayenu. But like the doting Abba that you are, you chose to give me more than I could have imagined or asked for. This year, with its highs and lows, still ended with your child coming to what should not be a startling realization. Her Father longs to bless her. You have, Abba…but may I never spend so much time focusing on those blessings that I forget you are DAYENU, my enough.