Lets Be Honest...

Hello my friends, my family, the random people in cyberspace who perchance read my personal thoughts...you strangers probably didn't realize when you stumbled into my head that you were going to receive a rare treat today. I promised myself that the next time I sat down at this computer to compose a blog, things would be different. I have been concerned with keeping my words comedic, introspective, and intriguing to entertain the people at home to somehow live up to some kind of intellectual standard that I set for myself so as not to disappoint you all. But...lets be honest...the majority of you readers know me better then I know myself. You know my heart, you know my style, and you know I am just not quite posh (nicely placed, ay?) enough to pull this off forever! The truth is this: there are two very real fears hindering my open communication with you. The first is the obvious governmental restrictions. The second one is unfortunately not so easy to scape goat - my own limitation in vulnerability is as frustrating to me here as in every other instance.
I haven't come to these realizations on my own, actually, we have been talking about vulnerability a lot here lately. Its amazing to me how the demons that we each dealt with in America traveled across the ocean and transformed themselves to fit perfectly into our Chinese life. I have to face the same struggles here: being my true self (the good, the bad, the ugly, neurotics and all) with the foreigners who have become my family, revealing to the questioning Chinese that I don't have all the answers, speaking the truth despite fear of rejection, or opening my heart to an honest dialouge with the God who knows it so well it terrifies me. Luckily, my Abba never lets me forget that He is not going to give up until I am willing to be an open book, intellectualism replaced with authenticity.
I am constantly asked, "How are you".
Standard answer: "I'm great! I love China, I love the people, I may never want to leave!"
Let's be honest: "I am great...most days. I have never been so free to laugh, to love, and to relax. Life in China is peaceful for me because my days are spent in a job that is barely demanding, and socialization with people who made me love them from day one. There are other times though, that things are not so great. So much time for introspection leaves me emotionally exhausted. I have been forced to examine pieces of my heart that were covered in America by exams, papers, and an appointment book. Sometimes I don't want to leave my apartment because in here I can forget that if I walk out that door I will be in a different world. A world where I am constantly stared at, giggled about, and the recipient of 8 double takes at once. Where I am the only amazon-sized white woman in a sea of beautiful China doll women. Where I cannot speak to anyone and am left with an intense feeling of loneliness. I miss my family and hate that I am missing so much of their lives here. I miss my friends who already know me, who can see through my facades and force me to come out of any slump that I happen to fall into. And heaven forbid I even voice this...but there are even days when I miss my 6:00 am alarm that catapultes me into a day of nonstop movement until I collapse from exhaustion!
Its ironic, as I read back over that last paragraph even I am surprised at some of the things that I have been feeling. Its so easy for me to separate them from myself, to start to believe they are the emotions of other, "weaker" people. But who are we kidding...I am the weaker person...in need of phone calls, emails, and letters from my loved ones in America. In need of strength from the powerful One above to get overcome the demons that plague my insecurities and to transform my spirit. I have been so blessed though...how many people can couple the intense love of their Father with the incredible cover of prayers from so many who are loving and supportive?
I want to be clear though. There are struggles, but they have not even begun to overcome the genuine happiness I enjoy here. He is working, He is working so clearly! Our family blows my mind, their hearts are so open: to us and to their Father. We are currently beginning a campaign to conform our family, to take the knowledge of the Son and his work from our heads to our hands. This community is about to witness the LRD and we have full confidence that He is going to transform this city. There is power here: it is evident, it is undeniable and it is infectious. I wish I could bring every single one of you here and share this place with you. I want you to walk the streets, to smell the smells (the good, the bad, the ugly...), to exchange smiles that speak more than words ever could. I want to introduce you to my family to my family, my friends to my friends. The day-to-day here is impossible to express through these blogs, pictures could not capture them, words could not convey them. I can only hope that you can read between every line and that I can remember the subtle nuances of every story so when I tell you face-to-face, you will understand.
Its Thanksgiving this week and we are celebrating the American way! We went down to the black Chinese meat market and picked the two biggest, ugliest, chickens we could find. ON Thursday we will chop their heads off and slow roast them over an open fire in an alley on the same spicket as some dog meat...PSYCH! Its too easy... Our Thanksgiving will be truly American, complete with a football game, turkey dinner, napping and dirty, competitive game playing. Then Angelyn, Darla, and I will head to Wuhan for a weekend of Thanksgiving #2 and quality time with the foreign family there. (My REAL reason for going is to pet monkey's and get what is rumored to be the best cup of coffee in the far east...but seeing old friends makes me sound more sincere) I am really looking forward to Thursday, but I will be thinking of you all at home, remembering poker games (which I always lose...), playing with my babies, and the witty conversation of my familia! I am thankful for you all, for God's overwhelming blessings, and the incredible journey that my life has become!
GWG ~ Jessica

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