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But as for you, Israel my servant, Jacob my chosen one, descended from Abraham my friend. I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, 'You are my servant; for I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your G-d. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.' (Isaiah 41:8-10)
Thanks to a particularly convicting discussion with Barry and Angelyn on the passage above in our morning study, I have spent the last day meditating on the idea of fear. The WORD is filled (I've heard over 300 times, but don't quote me on that) with the plea of the L-rd, 'Do not fear', and as I ponder its obvious importance, I am struck with how I truly live as a slave to fear.
I am often told by my students I am very brave, whether its my ability to have a conversation with a boy, my insistence on following my own ideals, or the fact that I moved halfway around the world and left all familiar things behind. But I realize that the idea of fear they have is so far from the truth; how little they recognize the little girl inside of me who carries a heart burdened with it! The more I think about it, when He says not to fear, HE is not asking me to be confident and unafraid in the face of consequences, but addressing the spirit inside who crumbles at the idea of vulnerability. The spirit who fears abandonment, or crushed pride, or misunderstanding. The spirit that lives in fear of being unworthy, or never enough. How much more this fear permeates and overtakes my life than anything physical. "I will not throw you away" - how directly these words speak to, and refute, exactly what is feared.
People ask me if I am afraid, being here in China, doing what it is I do. In all honesty, fear of "trouble" is nothing compared to the fear of the students and friends I meet never knowing truth. I'm wondering more and more if his call to be brave is not directed more at the things not of this world, than the things in it. Fear not what can destroy the body, but the soul within it, right? Do not fear the evil one, fear a life without ME. Do not fear a broken heart, but fear a spirit broken by sin and timidity. To not be a slave to those fears, but to fear the L-rd. I'm reminded of another word picture in Isaiah, that the same G-d who holds the hollows of the waters in his left hand, cradles me in His right. How can you fear anything with that picture in front of you?
As I continue to meditate on fear, I realize how closely it is linked with learning to love. How can you really love in fear? Abandonment of that fear is the only way to embrace the spirit of boldness I have as his child, the one that is vulnerable enough to cry Abba, and then give itself up to those around me. I am a bow in your hands, O L-rd - Draw me, lest I rot - Do not overdraw me, L-rd, I shall break - Overdraw me, L-rd, and who cares if I break? (Nikos Kazantzankis)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Weekend Update, the short of it
Studies...We have a large and unexpectedly interested group of seekers - students who have just come out of the woodwork! We have begun studying the book of John with them, and our discussion group a few days ago led to some really wonderful discussions of the HS and "swimming" (hopefully that translates) Angelyn and I will also begin a study with some sisters on the book of Acts, which is sure to challenge. I'm excited to dive into this with them, as it speaks to powerfully as to exactly what WE ARE as HIS children, and what HE asks us to do to spread the Word. HE IS POWERFUL!
Foreigners...There is a new foreigner who joined the team of our college this year - Praise HIM for Barry! His testimony is phenomenal, and his life is so full of joy that all the Chinese are flocking to him like a magnet. He has already been a powerful witness in just the short time he has been here, a complete answer to our "requests". (And, my new guitar teacher) The other foreigners are delightful, from the sarcastic to the hilarious, I'm so blessed to be surrounded with old and new kindred spirits. I have such great memories of each of them already, from daredevil shopping cart antics to electric slide, flashdance inspired moments. Its incredible to see the others discovering China and their purpose here through the eyes of experience, I can see Him working on them as He did on me.
Funding...Brian returned to the states this summer, and an anonymous member of his congregation asked if he could send $150 monthly to another foreigner from Brian's family. Combined with Broadway's aid, I now have $3,400...almost exactly the amount I first requested and enough to provide for all my needs.. HE IS AMAZING!
Lucy...basically, she has not eaten a drop of food in 2 weeks and after numerous trips to the Vet, we learned she had a stomach virus with a 30% chance of survival. But Ang, I and Lucy are warrior women, so we are fighting and after 3 days of 3 shots her temperature is way down and she shows signs of improvement. Which is good, because she is so beloved among the foreigners and our chinese, there may have been a pretty extravagant grieving display. This xiao mao has been pr-y-d over and cuddled more than any other cat in China, and we are so glad she's ours.
Personally...working on law school applications despite my kitten's best efforts to distract me with her cute face. Am still struggling day to day to learn to love to the point of idiocy, though I feel I may be making great progress as have probably been making others uncomfortable with my over the top adoration! Have both failed and succeeded, depending on the day, in my efforts to spend more time talking HONESTLY with my Abba...he is so patient with my fickle heart and rambling words. Finally, I am missing my family and friends this week, I would love to hear from you. All my love.
Foreigners...There is a new foreigner who joined the team of our college this year - Praise HIM for Barry! His testimony is phenomenal, and his life is so full of joy that all the Chinese are flocking to him like a magnet. He has already been a powerful witness in just the short time he has been here, a complete answer to our "requests". (And, my new guitar teacher) The other foreigners are delightful, from the sarcastic to the hilarious, I'm so blessed to be surrounded with old and new kindred spirits. I have such great memories of each of them already, from daredevil shopping cart antics to electric slide, flashdance inspired moments. Its incredible to see the others discovering China and their purpose here through the eyes of experience, I can see Him working on them as He did on me.
Funding...Brian returned to the states this summer, and an anonymous member of his congregation asked if he could send $150 monthly to another foreigner from Brian's family. Combined with Broadway's aid, I now have $3,400...almost exactly the amount I first requested and enough to provide for all my needs.. HE IS AMAZING!
Lucy...basically, she has not eaten a drop of food in 2 weeks and after numerous trips to the Vet, we learned she had a stomach virus with a 30% chance of survival. But Ang, I and Lucy are warrior women, so we are fighting and after 3 days of 3 shots her temperature is way down and she shows signs of improvement. Which is good, because she is so beloved among the foreigners and our chinese, there may have been a pretty extravagant grieving display. This xiao mao has been pr-y-d over and cuddled more than any other cat in China, and we are so glad she's ours.
Personally...working on law school applications despite my kitten's best efforts to distract me with her cute face. Am still struggling day to day to learn to love to the point of idiocy, though I feel I may be making great progress as have probably been making others uncomfortable with my over the top adoration! Have both failed and succeeded, depending on the day, in my efforts to spend more time talking HONESTLY with my Abba...he is so patient with my fickle heart and rambling words. Finally, I am missing my family and friends this week, I would love to hear from you. All my love.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Mid-Autumn Festival: The Legend
Happy Mid-Autumn Day! I have spent two of these holidays in China, and so far as I can tell, its a day celebrated by eating gobs of mooncakes and taking the day off class. Today, the family spent an amazing day at the lake, and as we were traveling home I realized that I didn't actually know WHAT we were celebrating....almost like Boxer Day. So I paid a visit to my friend Google...
According to a famous Chinese legend, there were ten suns hanging on the sky. The suns scorched the earth so much that people could not farm. There was nothing to eat. A young man named "Hou Yi" was strong and powerful. He was a very good shooter. He wanted to help people and save their lives. So he shot down nine of the suns with his magic bow and arrow.From then on, people could live in peace and happiness. Hou Yi became famous and honorable for what he did. He married a beautiful girl, whose name is Chang O. Hou Yi was a good husband. He loved his wife very much. He wanted to live with his wife forever. So, he hoped to find the herb of immortality.One day, Hou Yi went to visit the Western Goddess. He told her what he wanted. The Western Goddess was very touched by Hou Yi. She decided to give him the herb of immortality. However, the herb was only good to make one person immortal. Hou Yi never wanted to leave his wife. So he could not decide who should take the herb, his wife or himself. Either way, one of them would have to leave the other one behind.
Therefore, Hou Yi told his wife, Chang O, to put the herb away for the time being. Chang O put this magic herb in a secret place. However, a man called Bu Mo heard and saw everything. He wanted to have the herb of immortality himself. So, three days later, after Hou Yi left for hunting, Bu Mo came to visit Chang O and ask her about the immortal herb. Chang O became suspicious about Bu Mo's ntention. She put the herb into her mouth trying to protect it. But she swallowed it by mistake.After a while, she felt her body become lighter and lighter and start to float up higher and higher all the way to the sky. She could not stop herself, because she did not want to leave her husband. However, Chang O landed on the moon and became an immortal godness.Hou Yi could not believe what had happened; his wife had left him. Late at night, he looked into the sky and saw that the moon was extremely bright. There was a shadow on the moon, which looked like his beloved wife, Change O. this made him miss his wife even more.
According to a famous Chinese legend, there were ten suns hanging on the sky. The suns scorched the earth so much that people could not farm. There was nothing to eat. A young man named "Hou Yi" was strong and powerful. He was a very good shooter. He wanted to help people and save their lives. So he shot down nine of the suns with his magic bow and arrow.From then on, people could live in peace and happiness. Hou Yi became famous and honorable for what he did. He married a beautiful girl, whose name is Chang O. Hou Yi was a good husband. He loved his wife very much. He wanted to live with his wife forever. So, he hoped to find the herb of immortality.One day, Hou Yi went to visit the Western Goddess. He told her what he wanted. The Western Goddess was very touched by Hou Yi. She decided to give him the herb of immortality. However, the herb was only good to make one person immortal. Hou Yi never wanted to leave his wife. So he could not decide who should take the herb, his wife or himself. Either way, one of them would have to leave the other one behind.
Therefore, Hou Yi told his wife, Chang O, to put the herb away for the time being. Chang O put this magic herb in a secret place. However, a man called Bu Mo heard and saw everything. He wanted to have the herb of immortality himself. So, three days later, after Hou Yi left for hunting, Bu Mo came to visit Chang O and ask her about the immortal herb. Chang O became suspicious about Bu Mo's ntention. She put the herb into her mouth trying to protect it. But she swallowed it by mistake.After a while, she felt her body become lighter and lighter and start to float up higher and higher all the way to the sky. She could not stop herself, because she did not want to leave her husband. However, Chang O landed on the moon and became an immortal godness.Hou Yi could not believe what had happened; his wife had left him. Late at night, he looked into the sky and saw that the moon was extremely bright. There was a shadow on the moon, which looked like his beloved wife, Change O. this made him miss his wife even more.
According to the legend, Chang O transformed herself into brilliant moonlight. Today, couples would declare their love for each other under the full moon of this mid-autumn day. Separated lovers make wishes for their reunion.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Our kitty is definitely not a Communist
So Angelyn and I have had a plan since December of last year - the day we met the Sim Garden Hostel puppy in Chengdu - get a China puppy (against the expressed order of our school) and name him SimSim. We decided to go for it when we got back this year, so on Sunday morning two of Angelyn's students went with us to pick out a puppy at the dog market (the petting, not the eating kind). There were SO many adorable puppies, from giant face to baby cockers to beautiful huskies, but no one jumped out to us. None cried "SimSim". So we begrudgingly set out to go home, when my heart called to me to go look at the kittens.
Now a kitten was never in our plans, but when the rescuing hearts of two women cry out, what can you do? Amidst a tower of kittens sleeping peacefully in their minuscule cages, we heard a pitiful, hoarse, screaming kitten. There on the ground in front of us was a little orange and white kitten attempting to bite, claw and scratch her way to freedom. We looked at each other and said instantly, "We are taking that baby home!". So practically ripping her away from the evil cat lady (who should be shot, btw...), we put kitty in the taxi and took her home. Our hearts will never be the same again!
Now I don't want to be one of those new parents who does nothing but talk about their children...but I just can't contain myself. She is the best kitty ever! We tortured her with a bath, picked all the fleas off her, cleaned her ears with giant q-tips and then passed her between 30 people, and she still loves us best. Well, she still loves Angelyn best, but I'm working on her. She will scream and scream unless she can see us, and bounds around the apartment following our giant feet. She purrs at the same time she screams, and she's already a cuddler.
We tossed around a few names: Amendment, Liberty, Harriet Tubman, Madame Bovary, Amelia Earhart, Karen Carpenter and Fran Drescher (for various reasons). For about 24 hours, kitty was nameless. But finally we settled on Lucille Ball (Arnaz). The reasons are multi-fold:-Red hair
-Constant screaming and crying
-Living with foreigners
-Clingy and needy (we are her Ethel)
-She is definitely not a communist (explanation: during the Red Scare, Lucille Ball was called before the Committee of Un-American Activities...she was cleared, and Dezi was quoted as saying "the only thing red about Lucy is her hair")
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
On Love
Each day, I have a tendency to surprise myself with my incredible capacity to fail in love. The number of things I wish I never said, or things I never had the openness to say in the first place...they could fill volumes, perhaps entitled, "Ice Princess" as a rather wise woman once said. I long to love others as HE did, to give freely and without reservation or entitlement.
I recently climbed my own personal Everest in the form of my first Dostoevsky novel, The Idiot. A admittedly fantastic read after the first 300 pages, I was struck by the obvious correlation between the Prince's humble, given and abused love to everyone around him, regardless of their love of him to the point of idiocy - and the love by which HE loved.
I would love to learn to love to the point of idiocy...I ask for the constant strength to love better.
Meditations on Love:
"The desire to feel loved is the last illusion: let go and you will be free. Just as the sunrise of faith requires the sunset of our former unbelief, so the dawn of trust requires letting fo of our craving spiritual consolations and tangible reassurances. Trust at the mercy of the response it recieves is bogus trust"
(The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning)
"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
(The Great God Brown, Eugene O'Neil)
"The way we are with each other is the truest test of our faith. How I trust my brother or sister from day to day, how I react to the sin-scared wino on the street, how I respond to interruptions from people I dislike, how I deal with normal people in their normal confusion on a normal day maybe a better indication of my reverence for life than the anti-abortion sticker on the bumper of my car. We are not pro-life simply because we are warding off death. We are pro-life to the extent that we are men and women for others, all others; to the extent that there is no human flesh that is a stranger to us; to the extent that we can touch the hand of another in love; to the extent that for us, there are no 'others'."
(The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning)
"Reason demands moderation in love, as in all things, but faith destroys moderate love. Faith tolerates a moderate love of ones fellow man no more than it tolerates a moderate love between man and G-D."
(John McKenzie)
"Israel, don't ever be so foolish as to measure my love for you in terms of your love for me! Don't ever compare your thin, pallid, wavering, and moody love with my love, for I am G-D, not man. More pleasing to ME than all your prayers, works and penances is that you would believe I love you"
I recently climbed my own personal Everest in the form of my first Dostoevsky novel, The Idiot. A admittedly fantastic read after the first 300 pages, I was struck by the obvious correlation between the Prince's humble, given and abused love to everyone around him, regardless of their love of him to the point of idiocy - and the love by which HE loved.
I would love to learn to love to the point of idiocy...I ask for the constant strength to love better.
Meditations on Love:
"The desire to feel loved is the last illusion: let go and you will be free. Just as the sunrise of faith requires the sunset of our former unbelief, so the dawn of trust requires letting fo of our craving spiritual consolations and tangible reassurances. Trust at the mercy of the response it recieves is bogus trust"
(The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning)
"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
(The Great God Brown, Eugene O'Neil)
"The way we are with each other is the truest test of our faith. How I trust my brother or sister from day to day, how I react to the sin-scared wino on the street, how I respond to interruptions from people I dislike, how I deal with normal people in their normal confusion on a normal day maybe a better indication of my reverence for life than the anti-abortion sticker on the bumper of my car. We are not pro-life simply because we are warding off death. We are pro-life to the extent that we are men and women for others, all others; to the extent that there is no human flesh that is a stranger to us; to the extent that we can touch the hand of another in love; to the extent that for us, there are no 'others'."
(The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning)
"Reason demands moderation in love, as in all things, but faith destroys moderate love. Faith tolerates a moderate love of ones fellow man no more than it tolerates a moderate love between man and G-D."
(John McKenzie)
"Israel, don't ever be so foolish as to measure my love for you in terms of your love for me! Don't ever compare your thin, pallid, wavering, and moody love with my love, for I am G-D, not man. More pleasing to ME than all your prayers, works and penances is that you would believe I love you"
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