Do Not Fear

But as for you, Israel my servant, Jacob my chosen one, descended from Abraham my friend. I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, 'You are my servant; for I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your G-d. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.' (Isaiah 41:8-10)

Thanks to a particularly convicting discussion with Barry and Angelyn on the passage above in our morning study, I have spent the last day meditating on the idea of fear. The WORD is filled (I've heard over 300 times, but don't quote me on that) with the plea of the L-rd, 'Do not fear', and as I ponder its obvious importance, I am struck with how I truly live as a slave to fear.

I am often told by my students I am very brave, whether its my ability to have a conversation with a boy, my insistence on following my own ideals, or the fact that I moved halfway around the world and left all familiar things behind. But I realize that the idea of fear they have is so far from the truth; how little they recognize the little girl inside of me who carries a heart burdened with it! The more I think about it, when He says not to fear, HE is not asking me to be confident and unafraid in the face of consequences, but addressing the spirit inside who crumbles at the idea of vulnerability. The spirit who fears abandonment, or crushed pride, or misunderstanding. The spirit that lives in fear of being unworthy, or never enough. How much more this fear permeates and overtakes my life than anything physical. "I will not throw you away" - how directly these words speak to, and refute, exactly what is feared.

People ask me if I am afraid, being here in China, doing what it is I do. In all honesty, fear of "trouble" is nothing compared to the fear of the students and friends I meet never knowing truth. I'm wondering more and more if his call to be brave is not directed more at the things not of this world, than the things in it. Fear not what can destroy the body, but the soul within it, right? Do not fear the evil one, fear a life without ME. Do not fear a broken heart, but fear a spirit broken by sin and timidity. To not be a slave to those fears, but to fear the L-rd. I'm reminded of another word picture in Isaiah, that the same G-d who holds the hollows of the waters in his left hand, cradles me in His right. How can you fear anything with that picture in front of you?

As I continue to meditate on fear, I realize how closely it is linked with learning to love. How can you really love in fear? Abandonment of that fear is the only way to embrace the spirit of boldness I have as his child, the one that is vulnerable enough to cry Abba, and then give itself up to those around me. I am a bow in your hands, O L-rd - Draw me, lest I rot - Do not overdraw me, L-rd, I shall break - Overdraw me, L-rd, and who cares if I break? (Nikos Kazantzankis)