Don't You Trust Me?

Last week, I finally completed what G-d (quite unexpectedly) turned into a two year process in my life and submitted eight applications to law schools throughout the states. The first time I began applying, he quickly made clear the path to China, and I put my letters of recommendation and transcripts away, and got on a plane. The second time, I uncharacteristically procrastinated filling in blanks and no words would come to me when it came time for essay writing...and I just knew without say that it wasn't time yet. This year, aside from the expected bumps that my genetic material inserts into my every endeavor, the path was smooth and clear. No hesitation, little reservations. Yet I clicked the submission buttons with a sense of insecurity, questioning not the path I was taking, but my strength to walk it.

I have so many questions, prone to worry and anxiety over the most irrational things. The sense of dread I have at the fact that admission councils in Boston, Chicago and Seattle are judging me...deeming my worth...why should that concern me as it does? My future, my ability as a partner, money, even elections...why should I fear outcomes and results? Behind my fear I hear a voice, almost mocking in laughter, but with an intense, very real underlying pain: "Don't you trust me?"

When I came, why was there no one? When I called, why was there no one to answer? Was my arm too short to ransom you? Do I lack the strength to rescue you? (Isaiah 50:2)

I have been slapped with truth from the Word the last few weeks - has anyone ever proven himself more to me? It seems borderline ridiculous to me that I even have this trouble when I look back on my life, the ways that I can see him gently turning me in directions I never saw myself going, or the blaring road signs that changed my path altogether! Foreign lands, old friends with new roles, the security of my family. He has proven time and again that his arm is mighty and powerful to save, as well as bless. And what a promise I have for my future...In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you, and if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am... my eternity is secure so how can I not, Trust in G-d, Trust also in [Him]?

If my past proves his control, and my future his promise, how can I have anything but assurance in my here and now. I am His child, he has a vested interest in my pain and my joy. And so much more than that, He has a purpose for me; that my life exudes truth and brings others to know it. My breath, my waking, the very words I speak and the people I interact with every single day - He will be there, because I come from Him. So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. [So will] you go out in joy and be led forth in peace. (Isaiah 55: 11-12) This is no Aladdin on a magic carpet with an outstretched hand and shaky promises...this is my G-d.