The Manly Man

The events that transpired two nights ago must be recorded in history - a tribute to the manly man named Brian B. Neal - who bravely fought for my protection against the evil of an imagined intruder. This is his story (and mine...but my parts embarrassing...so lets focus on the manly man, shall we?)
Some of you may remember that my apartment was broken into in the middle of the night a few weeks ago. Yes, a little unsettling. Not much was taken from my home, and obviously we were unharmed, but it really shocked my unguarded system. I had let all my defenses down, naively forgetting everything I learned as a Criminal Justice major (Dr. Young, Mr. Shewan...I am appropriately ashamed of myself). So jolted from that naive dream land, I have taken to sleeping with a Louisville Slugger and the deadbolt on my bedroom door tightly locked. The only insecurity now resting in me is my overactive imagination...the most dangerous thing I could possibly encounter!
So two nights ago I was locked safely away in my room, working on my lesson for the next day when I heard some rattling coming from my kitchen. I freeze, my mind starts going a million miles a minute. I think my thought pattern went something like this:
Glass rattle -> Rat -> Too big to be a rat -> Burglar in my kitchen -> Burglar stealing all my foreign food -> Burglar actually rapist -> Rapist planning on stealing my foreign self, later using my body parts to sell on the Chinese black market at inflated price -> Panic -> Grab bat -> Should scream -> What if hears me screaming, and instead of running away like normal person, burglar/rapist/black market dealer is high on PCP and will have aggression/super human strength that he will use to break through my dead-bolted door and carry me off into the night-> BRIAN!!!
So in my calm, cool, infinite wisdom, I decide the safest thing for everyone involved was to send Brian a text message explaining my plight. I think it went something like this, "I think there is someone in my kitchen". I sent the message, but then worried that perhaps Brian was in shower/sleeping/already killed by the psycho in my kitchen, I decided to call him. However, I was too afraid to speak (lest the psycho hear me and the afor mentioned scenario happened) so I just sat there silently while Brain sweetly said, "Wei? Wei? Wei?" At this point I hear noises again from the kitchen...assured that intelligent, psychotic killer had spider senses and had heard me punching my cell phone buttons and was now going to ruthlessly murder me...I texted Brian the following message, "GET DOWN HERE!"
Can't imagine why he reacted the way he did...
Suddenly, I heard the unmistakable sound of Brian crashing down the stairs. I heard my spare key in the lock (but I had locked my front door deadbolt, you know, for safety reasons!) and the key didn't work on that. So then I hear: FRANTIC DOOR KNOCK, FRANTIC HAND BANGING, FRANTIC DOOR HANDLE RATTLING. Of course, my overactive imagination is too afraid to open my bedroom door, go to the front door, and let Brian in; obviously the psycho has run into my back hallway (frightened by Brian's obvious intention of kicking the crap out of him) and will take me hostage if I come out. So I sit in my bedroom, clutching my bat, and hoping Brian's adrenaline is enough rip open my steel door...suddenly all is quiet. Where is Brian...uh huh...sudden logical thought...Brian probably thinks I am murdered. But am actually alive and sitting in my bedroom...so I decide I should probably take the risk of getting to the front door to let him in so he can pulverize this guy. So I come running out of my room, but in adrenaline rush forget my bat...
Which turns out I didn't need...cause there was no one there. I run to the front door, open it, and find...no one there. "Brian?" Suddenly he is back, running down the stairs with fire in his eyes and a folding chair in his hand. "Are you okay!?!?" "Where is he!?!?" "What happened!?!?" He asked me all these questions as he barreled past me into my kitchen, turning in frantic circles like a wild dog who lost his prey. He was shaking with the force of purely defensive energy. He was magnificent...and I was a total fool. As Angelyn and Trip come running into my apartment, suddenly I was struck by my sheer ridiculousness...and burst out laughing! 4 foreigners standing in my kitchen in the middle of the night, with Brian ready to pummel anything that moved! Turns out that when I finally opened my front door, Brian was halfway to Angelyn's balcony fling himself down one story of our building so he could crash into my living room and rescue me from certain death. What a guy!
So I am a jerk...and countless, profuse apologies can't make up for the panic I set on Brian. Rice Krispie Treats only dull the memory. I don't want to be the girl who cries wolf, but I now know with full assurance that should there ever be sufficient cause for fear, Angelyn and I have the ultimate manly man who loves us to death and will absolutely annihilate anyone who dares to attempt harm. So this poem is for you, Brian B. Neal - Manly Man. You are so much more than the guy who puts our water bottles in, you are my real American hero! I love you, and I promise to cry harder than you when you leave!

The world has room for the manly man, with the spirit of manly cheer,
The world delights in the man who smiles when his eyes keep back the tear;
It loves the man who, when things are wrong, can take his place and stand
With his face to the fight and his eyes to the light, and toil with a willing hand;
The manly man is the country's need, the moment's need, forsooth,
With a heart that beats to the pulsing troop of the lilied leagues of truth;
The world is his and it waits for him, and it leaps to hear the ring
Of the blow he strikes and the wheels he turns and hammers he dares to swing;
It likes the forward look on his face, the poise of his noble head,
And the onward lunge of his tireless will and the sweep of his dauntless tread!
Hurrah! for the manly man who comes with sunlight on his face,
And the strength to do and the will to dare and the courage to find his place!
The world delights in the manly man, and the weak and evil flee
When the manly man goes forth to hold his own on land or sea!
~Unknown
(Angelyn found this poem in an old book she had, perfect)